the manipulation myth

According to the dictionary definition the word ‘manipulate’ means ‘ to control or influence cleverly or unscrupulously’. The simple fact is that children are NOT capable of being manipulative.

In order to be manipulative in the true sense of the word a child must have the ability to think critically, rationally and hypothetically. It requires forethought, planning and impulse control none of which children have. These skills come from the pre-frontal cortex which is responsible for executive functioning skills. The pre-frontal cortex is the very last part of the brain to develop fully and is often not finished developing until the age of 25. Children simply do not have the brain capacity to manipulate people.

So in those moments that we believe our children are being manipulative what is happening?

Your child is expressing themselves in order to have a need met in the only developmentally appropriate way they are able. Children don’t always have the language to ask for what they need or want and often when they have a strong need or desire they will behave in such a way as to get that need met. When we look at this behaviour as being manipulative we miss the opportunity to meet the needs of our children and instead often punish them for the behaviour. This is often why behaviours get worse rather than better the more we try to suppress or control them.

On the flip side if we view our childs’ behaviour as trying to get a need met, we then head to the root of the problem where we can then solve it. This will often reduce the need for the behaviour that occurred in the first place.

Next time you find yourself believing your child is manipulating you, stop and take a look at what needs they might have that are not being met and start there.