Toilet training

Toilet training is one of those developmental milestones that causes a lot of angst for many parents. It is a topic that comes up frequently so I feel that it might be helpful to look at this period of development from a Conscious perspective.

Moving from the use of nappies to using a toilet is a ‘natural’ progression for a child and is not something that they need to be ‘trained’ to do. Just as eating solids, crawling or walking are all natural progressions in development.

Using a toilet should not be defined by age. It should be child led. For example if your child starts showing an interest in using the toilet and asks to not use a nappy then that might be a sign that they are ready. Offer them the choice and see how they go. Here’s the thing about ‘toilet training’. Certain connections must be developed within the childs’ brain between the bladder, bowel and brain before a child is able to independently control their body. These connections will have occurred roughly sometime between 2 - 4 years of age. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later but age is not the factor that we should go by.

When children have these connections developed and show signs that they are wanting to use a toilet or potty then the transition will be smooth and quick. There may be some initial accidents as they learn about their bodies but within a week or two they will have it sorted.

On the flip side, when parents get too eager and want to train their child too early what actually happens is that the parent is the one who ends up being trained by pre-empting when the child might need to go. This means that the child is going unnecessarily and not learning to listen to their own body but rather the parent is doing all the work which can be very draining, full of stress and time consuming. Take that a step further which a lot of us are guilty of, we add in star charts, treats, praise or whatever it takes to get the child to perform. Now we have created a situation of stress for both parent and child. A child who is not physically or mentally ready to control their body is now being coerced and manipulated by goodies that for the most part they want but can’t perform suitably enough to get due to development beyond their control. This is like telling an adult with a broken leg that they need to perform a high jump or they won’t get the million dollars. No matter how much they want the million dollars, no matter how much they try they are never going to get over that high jump until their leg heals. In the meantime they are going to be frustrated, sad and disappointed.

Children are so hard wired to please us and won’t understand why they can’t get the goodies. By doing this we are sending a message to our children that we believe that they are capable of doing it but are just choosing not to. When we believe that the child is choosing this behaviour, then we set about either rewarding or punishing as a motivation when in actual fact the child is not yet developmentally ready. Sounds cruel doesn’t it? but sadly this is the norm.

When toilet training begins too early it will likely drag on for months and cause stress for both parent and child. This is something that is best left up to the child because it is not something you can control. Your child is the one who has all the control and rightly so, you don’t want it to become a battle of wills because in this case you will lose. It is important for our children to have autonomy over their bodies.

Wait until your child shows signs of readiness, allow them to be the boss of their body and allow it to unfold naturally.